Me and Christmas

Not sure if the moment was "magical" as you describe it, but when I was about 12 years old my mother was trying to get me to help her change the dishes and clean for Passover. I wanted to play with my friends. She responded to my refusal by throwing a set of dishes at me!

It's interesting. The other day, someone I know was talking about how their son was asking about Santa and XMas gifts (Jewish family, natch).

I tried to remember what we did, and if I ever believed in Santa. And, I don't think I ever did. It helped to have 2 older sisters, and to go to a Jewish school, but none of us believed in Santa, and knew that XMas was for "them not us".

As for magical moments, it IS a Hannukah one. My Mom was the head of the PTA at Hillel, so we had to go to the Hannukah party. My sister didn't feel well, but my mom thought she was just trying to get out of going. Nope, she was sick and barfed a HUGE pile of latke barf all over the gym floor (it doubled as our larger area, and had tables and chairs built into the wall). To this day, I still don't like latkes.

Or bagel Fridays. Those rocked at school. Or helping the guy set-up for after Saturday services, pouring Faygo (it's Kosher, and for Passover) for the kids for the prayer over the wine, and then challah and cookies.

Leah,

I think this is a great post with important issues being addressed. I think those moments that you describe come throughout the year. Think about it. The non-Jewish world has a few large family events a year (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc). Jews on the other hand have a special family day each week, Shabbat.

Perhaps I never looked at it this way but I am lucky to have seen the excitement and joy in children's faces when they are getting ready for Shabbat. Putting on their nice Shabbat clothes, lighting candles with their moms. I've seen the excitement in children's eyes when this Chanukah 9 of my nieces and nephews lit menorahs at the same time (and my family is FAR from observant). The excitement a child experiences in preparation of a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Personally, I LOVED reciting the four questions. I was the youngest in my family until my siblings started having their own children.

In Judaism, I think our culture and ways are so rich that you must look regularly for those Christmas morning moments. We have so many of them and something that is different for us too is that each exciting holiday and celebration has a significance that we reenact with a meal, a seder, a prayer. I think Christmas is exciting for most kids for perhaps not the best reasons. They are excited for Santa and what Santa BRINGS. They are excited for gifts. I get that, but I think what you are looking for in Judaism is there often and you will find it. And when you do, it is beautiful.

As you know I'm far from a Chabadnik, however, I really suggest you calling a CHabad in your neighborhood, and simply tell them you would like to experience a traditional Shabbat. Chabad is all about outreach and the rabbi will surely invite you over. It's a beautiful experience and you'll see, the children do love it.

Thank you for a beautiful thought provoking post. And an early Shabbat Shalom to you.

Leah, I don't have any "magical Jewish moments" from my childhood, but I also have no memory of feeling cheated. And I must confess that I was as inept as my parents when my children were small. Though we did make a big deal about Hannukah and as little ones my children never seemed to feel deprived at X-mas. You however have a different experience, you grew up with traditions and moments, that now as an adult you have decided do not fit who you are. And part of that problem is the ambiguous event that X-mas is; is it a religious holiday, is it an economical blip, is it a cultural experience of America? From this viewpoint I certainly can't tell and quite honestly I am glad I don't have to. My guess (and maybe I'm wrong) is that you don't feel as conflicted over Easter and not passing that down to your children. Easter is a holiday that is full of X-tian ideology and perhaps that is less inviting to a Jewish heart. I will not repeat what Tamara said so beautifully; Judaism is rich with frequent (weekly)opportunities to be with family and create enduring traditions. And an inherent Jewish tradition is to love and respect parents and to hold your family close even on X-mas day. And to relish the joy on Henry's face that is his experience, but you must remember that Henry is not a Jewish child. X-mas is his tradition. It is impossible to be hypothetical about having children, but be assured that when you have them, you will undoubtedly negotiate the conflicting ideology and the family experience and you will do it in a way that will not confuse your kids and will honor your family.

The previous two commenters pointed out something that reminds me of the magic of my Catholic upbringing (and for the record, I'm still a Christian). So much of the memories are about tradition, and the love and togetherness I felt from my family being a part of those traditions. I went to public school, where the kids weren't from religious homes or were part of some other religious tradition. My parents converted to Catholcism, so our larger family wasn't really involved in some of the rites of passage, like first communion or first confession. They didn't use rosaries. Many of our traditions were just what our six-member family did. We would get dressed up each Sunday to go to mass, and afterwards get donuts either in the church gathering space or at the grocery store. I remember and still love many of the songs we sang each morning, the prayers and creeds we said each mass, and bonding with my brothers and sister as we tried to misbehave without being detected by our parents. I remember putting pennies in a good deed envelope to give to people in need, learning Bible stories in the children's programs, taking our palm leaves from Palm Sunday and folding them into crosses. We had an advent wreath and calendar, which we would use to remember the stories of Christmas. Our tradition was to spend Christmas Eve at my grandma's house, and then go to midnight mass, and then come home to open our stockings. Opening presents on Christmas day was fun; I'm not going to deny that. But for me, that wasn't really the heart of Christmas. It was also the Bible stories, the songs, the dinners, playing cards, dancing in the kitchen with my dad and uncles, playing with my cousins --- all the things I learned and all the love I felt along the way. My point is that there were yearly traditions and weekly traditions and immediate family traditions and extended family traditions, and I could rely on them to happen each year. It didn't matter that they were Catholic, or Presbytarian, or secular. And now they've changed a bit, but we still get together as a family however we can and have all these shared memories that tie us together. Although this perspective isn't Jewish, I hope my story is helpful to you; I think this post was really lovely for me because I'm remembering how many things I have to be grateful for. Thank you :)

I usually do not write about Christmas in my blog. The sad fact is that I don't like to talk about the pangs of "missing" Christmas mainly because I have this fear that my extended family doesn't understand why I converted to Judaism in the first place. Unfortunately my parents are really the only ones that understand my conversion and what it means and why it is important to me. My aunt lumps Hanukkah with Kwanzaa as some holiday she's heard about but doesn't know anyone that really celebrates it. I get depressed mainly because I'm going through somewhat of a deprogramming process. My husband, growing up without Christmas, is perfectly happy playing video games, going for a walk and eating the traditional Chinese food on Christmas. I watched movies, finished knitting a scarf and generally just moped around. Basically I believe that my issues with missing Christmas come down to the fact that I am now more religious than almost everyone in my family, just of a different religion than my family. I still love Christmas lights and giving gifts ( I even participated in Secret Santa at work). I see my husband's side of the family as really embracing Jewish holidays and not just Hanukkah. They have also embraced me, but they are far away and not around to give support everyday of the holiday season. I thought it would be easier being married, but it's not since my husband has no clue what it is like. I don't have a huge group of friends that are Jewish or even nearby and I think that makes it difficult too. I could go on and on about reasons and possibilities of why Christmas is challenging as a convert. Suffice it to say, you are not alone.

I had lots and lots of magical moments growing up Jewish Orthodox - here they are!

1. Baking round challa for Rosh Hashana with my big sisters - and how it rose and baked and tasted better than the one you bought from the bakery!

2. Decorating the sukka - we would go every year to friends who had a farm in southern Quebec and get evergreen branches for the sukka top, and decorating with colorful 'Indian' corn, gourds, garlic, onions, apples, strings of popcorn and computer tape (!) - and my mother screaming at us to get the sukka clean before the holiday starts and we did and it was the most beautiful sukka in Montreal.

3. Dancing in the synagogue with the Torah on Simchat Torah - walking one hour to get to a shul that 'let' women dance with the torah! (It really was magical to me to find the 'rules' bent a bit on this one occasion)

4. Chanuka lights and getting money from my father (I never had an allowance, so it was truly special to get money just like that out of the blue!!)

5. My bat-mitzva gift - 3 weeks in Israel with my big sister - and I thought when she made aliya the year before that I would never see her again!

6. Tisha B'Av - hearing the mournful recitation of the book of Eicha - sitting in synagogue on the floor in the dark mourning the destruction of the temple, seemed scary, exciting and sad all at once in my imagination.

7. And the most magical of all: waking up the day before Pesach and finding my house completely changed for Passover - covered counters, different pots, pans, cutlery plates..., the larder (yes, we called the pantry a 'larder'!!!) full of Kosher for Passover food -maccaroons oh those maccaroons!!

8. And the Passover seder(s)! Lots of guests, the mix of ceremony and homey coziness - and the great miracle of Passover: I, so shy usually, had no problem singing the four questions, as the youngest, it was my duty and divine right!

Oh my goodness, I could go on - I didn't even say anything about Shabbat - that magical moment after lighting the candles when all work ceases and the angels visit your house to bless it with Sabbath peace.

So Leah, really you have nothing to worry about, if there is one thing I can say for certainty, it's that magical moments in Judaism are in great supply. You just do them, day after day, year after year, and they get into the child's soul.

What if we call is solstice instead and not do it on Dec 25? Would that make a difference... You know Bob and I are athiests and there's no Jesus to our xmas. YOU get to create your family. If you want your family to be vegetarian you just do it. If you want your family to be jewish w/ secular santa you just do it. You create your life and you don't have to take someone else's definition of being a good Jew hook line and sinker. If you want to celebrate Bastille Day you just do it.

Reading some of the other comments, I am reminded of when an Episcopalian church asked to me to do the last supper for Easter - to show the young kids what the last supper was, and explain what Passover is, and what we (and, well, Jesus) did.

Afterwards, one of the women who organized the event came up to me and thanked me profusely. But the comment she made, that stuck in my head, was that what she loved about Judaism was that the children are included in every ceremony (The Four Questions for Passover), and that there seems to be no need to create characters to bring children into the holidays (she then went off on the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause).

I also think she was hitting on me, but that's always to be expected.

Have a good NYE, Leah.

Leah, I was very interested in this post - and the replies - it has stimulated a lot of contemplation. I've considered your comments about your nephew, my own recollections of growing up - from the perspective of a parent of a 2 year old who will be raised Jewish in this culture.

First of all, we did "play Santa Claus" when I was a child - I'm not sure how long it went on until one of my older sisters revealed that Santa was really my dad. We never had a tree, always lit candles and celebrated Hannukah. I'm not sure if we'll "Play Santa" with Joella, but there isn't really a lot of "Christianess" of the way the US views a jolly old guy in the North Pole with a lot of elves with a global socialist toy distribution network.

But getting to the key point, I can't comment yet on the experiences of raising a 3 year old (ask me next year!) but my thoughts on this subject are probably the same. I don't know anyone who remembers their experiences as 2 or 3 year old. The reality is - children have an enormous sense of wonder in the world around them. I was able to get some great pictures of Joella (shamless plug: http://picasaweb.google.com/DannyAndLisaSniderman/JoellaDecember2007) because she was completely enamoured by playing with one of her pony-tail-rubberbands.

I think the "excitement" and wonder and so on that you worry about missing is a child's reflection of what is going on around them. Our society goes nutzo for Christmas - and, from this "outsider's" perspective, I can't help but think the talk of "Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men", and just about everything related to Jesus is lip service to - on the one hand an orgy of consumerism, but also on the other the desire to take some time off and spend time with the family in a way that transcends all cultures and religions.

It is a historic fact that Jesus wasn't born on December 25 and the early Christians set the date to prevent their congregrants from celebrating Saturnalia. It is ironic that the angst you are describing is likely what those early Christian leaders felt as minority members of a culture with this gigantic celebration. I'm not much of a scholar of Roman History - but I have to wonder what types of parallels existed in their celebration in late December and what goes on in early 21st century USA. (There are certainly large number of parallels in other regards with the most powerful "empire" pressing against it's limits militarily - but that's quite another subject!)

So, yes, there will always be this sense of being an "outsider looking in" when it comes to Jews and Christmast for our children. And there were certainly times that I felt anxiety on that regard. But the most important thing, I NEVER felt like I was missing out on anything. My family wasn't particularly religious, but I always had a strong sense of Jewish identity. I felt I had something "as good as or better" what everyone else had. I always felt I was "special".

And there some really good positives. We had a close family that celebrated Christmas (they were gentiles, but not affiliated with any church or otherwise practiced Christianity). Every year they invited us over to help decorate the Christmas tree. It was a lot of fun - super cool - and had no religious overtones.

But the good part, we always seemed to be busy when they had to do the effort to take the tree down...