Some days I feel Jewish, today I just feel foolish.

Today I hopped on my bike and rode out to Rosenblum's.  It is the World of Judaica--a huge bookstore on Devon that I visited before Passover.  Last time I was there, I wound up crying.  Looking at all the books I wondered, "How will I ever learn ALL of this in one year?"

Well, now it is a few weeks away from Rosh Hoshanah and Yom Kippur, my final holidays before my conversion.  I feel no closer today than I did a year ago.  Today was movie-mistake hilarious.

I rode my bike--since it is the end of summer and I want as much sun as I can get, I wore a tank top.  A bright orange tank top with skinny straps, my black bra straps peeking out, and my tatoo nice framed.  As soon as I walked into the store (behind two boys under three feet tall both wearing yarmulkes) I realized the mistakes.

1. Orange--the color of anti-disengagement.
2. Blue (my pants)--the color of pro-disengagement.
3. Tatoo--so taboo.
4. Tank-top--far from frum.

I just felt so out of place--like a clumsy monster.  I had on my star-of-david and paid with a credit card that said Leah.  But I still felt like the women wanted to shield their children from the sight of my bar shoulders, from the tatoo on my back.  Not true--nobody looked at me wierd and nobody said anything behind (or in front) of my back.  I just felt like a elephant trying to masquerade as a jew and failing miserably.

So I quickly grabbed two books I'd never heard of, forgot to look for the book I wanted, wasn't willing to ask for help, and then grabbed a CD for bensching.  Jon mentioned bensching on Saturday night and I pretended that I knew what he was talking about.  How would I, in the middle of a conversion without a traditional jewish family of in-laws, know what bensching is?  But now I have a CD. 

Thinking about it, I did the tank top thing when I went before pesach too.  I am apparently all about showing those orthodox my shoulders.  Bad Leah, bad, bad Leah.

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